In HALO’s journey of working with people first before their messes or estates or traumas – we often
encounter clients who are not proud of their situation. They are ashamed of the house that they have
turned into a “hoarder’s house” or the home they’ve lived in for 35 years without throwing anything
away. For our clients, many of them are upset with their situation and are incredibly afraid of the
judgment they might experience from others if they were allowed to see or know the situation. Our
clients wish they could “just clean up” or “just get rid of” the extra possessions they have
accumulated but they cannot; it is not that easy.

As friends and family we often feel the same. We also wish they could just throw their garbage or
possessions away, or donate them or find any other purpose for them other than being in their space
potentially endangering their safety, health and wellbeing.

So then what can we do? How can we help? If you’re thinking of suggesting “tough love”, perhaps
think again. Reinforcing the shame that our loved ones feel already is hardly going to work in helping
them to feel accepted and open about their situation. Instead, it is our suggestion at HALO (and a
proven one at that), that we embrace empathy over shame.

opular author Brene Brown paves the way with some words of wisdom in her book Atlas Of The
Heart – “The antidote to shame is empathy. If we reach out and share our shame experience with
someone who responds with empathy, shame dissipates. Shame needs you to believe that you’re
alone. Empathy is a hostile environment for shame.”

What she is saying here is that shame isolates us; and we see that often in our clients of all kinds.
When they are ashamed of their situation they disallow friends and family to enter their home or
property in fear of the judgment they may encounter. In order to break through this isolation, friends
and family need not perpetuate the feelings of shame but should counteract them with empathy.
HALO encourages friends and family to put yourself into the shoes of that person and work to
understand where these behaviours are coming from and ask yourself how you can help.

None of us are perfect and we all have our vices. Just as we want our own vices met with empathy,
so too we need to meet the vices of others. After all, we are human, we make mistakes and have
things about ourselves we long to change. When we recognize the humanness in each other, as well
as in ourselves, we chase away loneliness and isolation and foster a community based on empathy
and acceptance – and we all need a little more of that in our lives.