At HALO we are constantly contacted by family members and friends of people with hoarding disorder. Each story is filled with an overwhelming sense of urgency, sprinkled with worry and almost always expresses intense concern for the health and wellbeing of the person they’re contacting us about. Although this blog has a focus on dealing with a hoarding parent or parents – the same principles apply to any family member or friend.  Here are HALO’s top tips to help your loved ones – parents, other family and friends alike.

Learn About Hoarding Disorder  

Remember that your parent’s hoarding behaviors are the result of underlying mental health concerns. Hoarding disorder comes in all shapes and sizes ranging from mild and unnoticeable to obvious and detrimental to the health of the person and people around them. The more you know about hoarding disorder, the more you will be able to help. To learn more about what Hoarding Disorder is check out our 5 Stages of Hoarding BLOG.

Choose Neutral Language 

Each possession you wish your parents would throw away, donate or clean up is important to them; from childhood keepsakes to old newspapers and even waste. Calling hoarded items “trash”, “garbage” and “junk” does not help. Although you might try to convince your parents that broken and dirty items are not valuable, people with hoarding disorder do not see these items in the same way you do. In order to keep emotions in check it is helpful to refer to hoarded items in a neutral manner, labeling them as “things” or “items”.

Relinquish Control 

One of the greatest complaints we get from clients is that they feel like they lose control through the cleaning and organizing process. In order for the help you want to offer your parents to be successful, you need to be prepared to give them as much control over decisions as you possibly can. This does not mean that you cannot give them options for what they could do with items they no longer want; for example, instead of, “You don’t need this and should donate it”, you could say, “If you think you do not need this towel anymore, I know the SPCA down the road needs towels for their animals”. This kind of option presenting keeps your parents in control of their items and decisions and your intention remains helpful and encouraging.

Emphasize Safety 

It is helpful to put an emphasis on safety when your parent is a hoarder because it takes the focus on their possessions and onto your care and concern for their health and wellbeing. It is for this reason that HALO focuses first and foremost on mitigating safety issues when we first walk into a home. Focusing on clearing pathways to entrances and exits, stairwells, hallways,interior rooms and important areas of the home are a good place to start, followed by focusing efforts on cleaning and clearing bio-hazardous waste. When your emphasis is on your parents safety and on them as a person and not on their possessions, a natural progression or plan arises.

Be Patient and Willing to Help 

It is not easy helping a hoarder who doesn’t want help; it requires patience and a willingness to be there through hard times. Hoarding Disorder is often a lifelong illness that ebbs and flows in its severity. Just because you were successful once in helping a parent clean up a hoarded living space doesn’t mean that you will not have to do the same over and over again multiple times throughout their struggle with this illness. This disorder leaves many people feeling isolated and being patient and willing to help is an important way of showing your parent(s) that your love for them is unconditional and present regardless of their illness. 

Celebrate Small Wins 

As much as you might wish your parents’ home to be clean and in perfect working order after one afternoon, day or week – this is more of an ideal and not necessarily realistic. Although we tend to want to celebrate one big win with them, the truth is that we need to celebrate the small wins. Each decision can be excruciating and each item priceless and so it is important to place praise where it is due; in this case it is due with each small step taken forward. It is the culmination of each of these small wins that a big win is accomplished.

Help Hoarding Parents Find Help 

All of these things require you to be aware of your own frustrations and keep them at bay. Harboring a judgmental attitude, using shaming words or actions, dismissing their attachment to objects as unimportant or instigating arguments are all unhelpful and will likely result in a fractured relationship with your parent(s). These approaches are much less likely to occur if you have your own expectations of your loved one in check. It’s also important to know that you are not alone in your desire to support your parents; most people with hoarding disorder also benefit from connecting with mental health counselors who can help them address the motivations and behaviors associated with hoarding disorder. Reach out to local hoarding disorder supports in your community and help your parent connect with them in a non-forceful way; the more people your parent allows onto their team, the more likely they are to keep their hoarding behaviors under control. Companies like HALO – who focus on both mental health and cleaning up spaces – compliment these mental health professionals; we exist so that we can partner with you and your loved one(s) in their recovery of their hoarded living spaces and wellbeing. We are here to help!